Friends say he’s wrong for her

Dear Carolyn: How do you know if someone is “good enough” for you? I’m a young college-educated professional and am dating a bartender. He smokes too much, drinks too much, didn’t finish college, and other than worrying that he can’t provide for me the lifestyle I expect, is unapologetic about his chosen profession. He also treats me better than any man I’ve known. He’s more financially and emotionally stable than anyone I’ve dated, is completely supportive, comes from a good family, and I’m incredibly happy being with him. I feel he’s my equal in all the areas that matter. The catch is that everyone I know says I can do better and even as I defend him, I find myself worrying that I’m once again ignoring the obvious and emotionally investing in the wrong person. – Blinded by Love

Anyone can always “do better” (cue fake barf sounds). The question is whether you can do better for you.

And if this were really about doing better, the answer would be easy: If your patience with having an over-smoking, over-drinking, bartending mate is temporary, and his commitment to this path is permanent, then you owe it to him to break up. If you’re happy and this feels right to you, then you stick with it. And if you’re not sure, then you owe it to yourself to postpone any big decisions till you see how things progress.

Your question, though, is two words beyond easy. “Once again” says you have cause not to trust your own judgment, which complicates the answer because it instantly gives standing to your boyfriend’s critics.

Not all of them; not the ones you don’t otherwise trust or respect, and not the ones who just see “bartender” and close their books on the guy.

But you do need to listen to the ones who have something thoughtful to say about him, and therefore about you – which means you also need to stop defending him.

When you stop defending him, it tells people you’re willing to listen, and it will prevent them from freaking out, which will tone down their emotions, which will help them make more sense, which will benefit you, if you let it. People who know you and have no other agenda but your happiness can help you see things that you can’t.

They also can be blind, biased and wrong, so while they’re having their say, it’s still crucial to let your boyfriend have his. And to be patient while he does, since good listening helps create the kind of judgment you can trust.

In particular, listen for an answer to this: When he chose to make a career of his nightlife, was he escaping life, or seizing it? In a right-guy/wrong-guy decision, that alone can distinguish the two.