When you’re dining alone, all’s fair

Dear Miss Manners: How much can manners be disregarded when eating alone at home? Can the soup dish be tilted, can a dish be scraped, can the fingers be used under circumstances that would be deplored in public? Do any of these things really matter?

Gentle Reader: No, they don’t matter when you eat at home alone. Go hog wild. Use your hands. Use your feet. Smear your food over your face. Etiquette has to do with behavior that affects other people, and when there is no one around to be affected, you are, so to speak, home free. The only reason Miss Manners can imagine for your using manners under those circumstances would be self-respect.

Dear Miss Manners: I work as a public librarian, and one of the greatest sources of satisfaction in my job is being able to help people find the information they need. I do my very best every day to deliver exemplary public service to all who visit the library and pride myself on being accurate, fair and polite. Almost every interaction I have with the public has a positive outcome for both parties involved.

However, I have had some people sitting in front of the public computers snap their fingers to bring me over to where they are, or loudly call out “Hey, come ‘ere!” expecting my instant response while not bothering to get up from their chair. While it is indeed my job to assist the person, this disrespectful type of behavior raises my hackles and just sets my teeth on edge.

I grudgingly go over and frostily assist the person when I really would like to tell them that their behavior has been personally insulting to me. I feel quite comfortable discussing proper social behavior with the children who visit the library but am not sure how to speak to adults who exhibit these social insults.

Do you have any suggestions on how to politely respond to adults who have a difficult time distinguishing between a public servant and a personal servant?

Gentle Reader: No, because it is also despicable to treat personal servants rudely. But Miss Manners has plenty to say to people who bark out orders and snap their fingers at human beings as if they were dogs.

Or rather, she recommends not responding to such commands. Eventually, those who want help will have to get up to ask for it. If they complain, you can reasonably and politely say that you were so sorry not to respond, but that you had no idea that such gestures were meant for you and would be glad to help if only the person would approach you and ask.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a very sweet friend, but she’s giving me a bit of a dilemma. Every time we part, she says, “I love you.” I’ve been saying “I love you, too” but it’s really starting to make me uncomfortable. I don’t want to dampen our friendship in any way. Do you have any suggestions?

Gentle Reader: The dampening response to “I love you,” as unrequited lovers can attest, is “Thank you” or “I’m flattered.” It is intended to throw cold water on the relationship, and it works.

In this case, Miss Manners believes you are only dealing with an overeffusive habit of speech. Saying this will simply call your friend’s attention to the embarrassment that is she causing you. Or it may prompt her to inquire if anything is wrong. Then you can reply, “Well, I love you, too, but it’s not something I go around saying to friends.”