Someone should speak up
Dear Annie: I have a close relative who is in her late 70s. “Louise” is an outrageous bigot. She routinely uses the “n” word, and Jews, Hispanics and Japanese are treated with similar contempt.
My son suggests blasting her out of her socks when she uses ethnic and racial slurs. I asked a friend, who said she wouldn’t have anything to do with someone like that. But Louise is a relative, and I want to be compassionate.
Louise’s parents were not bigoted, and neither are her siblings. This is not new behavior, as she always has been prejudiced. The status of “senior” apparently has given Louise permission to be more vocal and crude about it. I guarantee you that confrontation would not show her the error of her ways.
I would really like some help dealing with this offensive behavior. Why would one person in a large family hold such views when they were not taught in the home or school? – Nonplussed in Massachusetts
Dear Nonplussed: We don’t know why Louise’s parents and siblings did not knock some sense into her when she was younger, but you should not turn a blind eye to her comments.
When Louise says something racist or bigoted, speak up. Say, “Louise, I find that word offensive and would appreciate it if you did not use it in front of me.” If she continues, get up and walk away. She needs to know at least one person in the family will not tolerate her behavior.
Dear Annie: I’d like to add a few suggestions to your response to “Helpless in North Carolina,” whose mother was in a nursing home but wasn’t adjusting well. As a home-health registered nurse who specializes in elder care, here are a few ideas to make the transition to a nursing home easier for your loved one:
Decorate her room with inexpensive, favorite items from her home – a quilt or afghan, family pictures, a comfy chair. Many people enjoy leaving a TV on just for company.
Have a “guest book” for friends and family to sign when they visit and suggest they write down a few topics they discussed – “Hi, Mom, don’t forget to tell Sis that I’ll feed the dog this week.” It’s not only a great way to keep everyone on the same page, but it keeps the conversation going. Encourage nurses and therapists to jot down notes, too.Remind Mom that her safety is your primary concern, and then give her as much time as it takes to accept her situation. – Idaho RN
Dear Idaho: Thanks for the suggestions. Losing one’s independence can be devastating, and it can be a great comfort for the new surroundings to feel a little bit like home.