Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend should behave around kid

Dear Carolyn: I’m on the verge of moving in with a man I am deeply in love with. I have a young son who I am very protective of and who I’ve been solely responsible for raising for most of his life. I don’t approve of smoking, cursing, violent movies, overly loud music and the usual nonkid-friendly behavior around my son, and my boyfriend has agreed that once we move in, the smoking stays outside and the behavior stays PG as long as the little one is around. Everything seems like it’s going smoothly, but just to be on the safe side I’d like advice on how to start “enforcing” the new code of conduct once we move in. It is his house, and he’s a grown man so I’d like to avoid reprimanding him or being a harpy, but my son comes first. How do I go about being a good mom to my son without being too much of a mom to my boyfriend? – Excited/Apprehensive

The way you “enforce” the code of conduct is not to move in unless your boyfriend treats your son with care – and sees it not as “his house,” but everyone’s.

If he already stashes his profanity, butts, earbleed music and slasher flicks (hereafter, “trappings of late adolescence”) when kids are present – on his own initiative – then he’s demonstrating a grasp of the more fundamental code of not behaving as if he were the sole occupant of the earth. And that would suggest you needn’t worry.

But anything short of that means a rule is the only thing keeping this guy from acting as if your son doesn’t exist, and if that’s the case, then you need a new rule: No moving in with men who treat your son as if he doesn’t exist.

Living by this rule also, conveniently, protects your son a whole lot better than imposing rules you’re afraid to enforce. You’re all he’s got; don’t bail on him now.

Dear Carolyn: Is it possible to break up without a huge disastrous fight? My boyfriend and I have been together four years, two long-distance, and there’s just no chemistry anymore. I don’t want a big fight to have to happen … but he won’t take no for an answer when I say I want a break. How do I communicate that I just want to be friends? – Md.

Why do you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t respect how you feel?

You already know how to communicate your message. It’s the word you’ve ruled out: no. There’s no such thing as “won’t take no for an answer.” It’s just two people failing to respect your choice.

It’s just you, backing down.

So stop backing down. Your feelings are you, and you don’t negotiate that.