Sideline reporters one of the horrors
It is Halloween and These Things Scare Me:
“The NBA has a new ball. The traditional leather ball is out, a new micro-fiber composite is in. Let me ask you this: When was the last time you heard a player, coach or fan say, “Man, we need a new ball!” Spalding was the one that suggested it. Why? Because Spalding makes the balls, and if it has to manufacture new ones, SPALDING MAKES MORE MONEY.
(Hey, I’m telling you, they could put pine tar on that baby, Jason Kidd still can’t make a jumper.)
Note: The new ball will have NBA commissioner David Stern’s name on it not once, but twice. I believe Josef Stalin did this with soccer balls in 1930s Russia.
“David Stern to the players: Don’t play with guns. The commish has requested players to leave their firearms behind when they go out. I agree with the czar, but what type of business are they running over there? Does Deloitte & Touche send out a memo asking its tax accountants to check their weapons at the door?
The NBA’s collective bargaining agreement allows players to own licensed guns, but they can’t carry them “on any league or team business.” On any league or team business? Otherwise, I assume, on any given night the Mavericks’ Jason Terry might say, “Kobe’s been killing us, I’m bringing an AK-47 to Staples Center.”
“Which came first, the football field or the sideline reporter? I hate to put people out of work, but since Day 1 Couch Slouch has felt that the sideline reporter is decorative and dubious. But I know how television works, so considering there are two sidelines on every field, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for the TV types to put two sideline reporters on every telecast.
I’m sticking to my story, though: Toss ‘em.
Then again, as Demostenes once asked, “If a tree falls in a forest and there’s no sideline reporter in the vicinity, does it make a sound?”
“Rain delays on Fox. Because of bad weather in St. Louis for World Series Game 4, captive viewers had to take in 37 consecutive episodes of the unspeakable sitcom, “The War at Home.” This flop-and-a-half makes “Yes, Dear” look like “The Honeymooners.”
It was stupid to the point of being stupefying, horrific to the point of being horrifying. It didn’t need a laugh track, it needed Last Rites. It was, in a word, unwatchable. Why did I keep watching? I’m a moron. By the time the game was postponed, they had me begging for a Tim McCarver soliloquy on the backdoor slider.
“Bank of America’s new ad campaign. So I’m watching a ballgame and Bank of America – with the slogan “Higher Standards” – has this commercial in which a customer walks in, a bank manager greets him immediately and says, “How may I help you?”, then takes care of everything in a moment’s time.
B of A customers, tell me if this sounds more familiar: You walk in and see a snake-like line of 17 people, with two tellers at the teller windows. Frankly, your best shot of making a withdrawal is to rob the bank; then again, there probably is nobody working at that moment authorized to give you the money.
“On the NFL after dark, the apocalypse is now. Have you seen the openings for NBC’s “Sunday Night Football” and ESPN’s “Monday Night Football”? It feels like the morning after “Independence Day.”
On NBC, recording star Pink – Hank Williams Jr. with cleavage, more or less – belts out “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” while people race in every which direction through urban streets. I know she’s a Grammy winner, but this woman scares THE LIVING BEJEEBERS out of me. Then on Mondays, after a celebrity picks up the ESPN helmet and offers, “Are you ready for some football?”, it appears as if major cities are evacuating due to chemical attack, natural disaster or Rush Limbaugh. The music is ominous, the backdrop dark and foreboding.
Heck, I haven’t been this scared since seeing “Psycho” Halloween night 1991while sitting between Hannibal Lecter and Dick Vitale.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Are you really as tall as you appear on TV? (John Andres; Coeur d’Alene, Idaho)
A. On ESPN’s “World Series of Poker,” I am blessed with executive producers Matt Maranz and David Swartz, two of the smartest fellas I’ve ever met. So when I’m partnered with eternally lanky Lon McEachern, they have me standing on an apple crate.
Q. My best friend Mike Pomerantz and I have $1.25 riding on your answer: Are you a big fan or big detractor of TNT’s Doug Collins? (Pete Terrell; Thousand Oaks, Calif.)
A. Doug Collins knows good broadcasting like Sofia Coppola knows French history.
Q. You said the Cardinals were the “Team of Destiny” – who but you would’ve known they would win the World Series? (Stan Chernoff; Seattle)
A. There will be a little extra something for you when I send out your cash winnings!
Q. With the new NFL policy to move key games from a 1 p.m. ET start to later in the day, does that mean the next Browns home game will kick off at 6:15 a.m.? (Thomas P. McNally; Shaker Heights, Ohio)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.