Alone time sign of healthy relationship

Carolyn Hax is away. The following are excerpts from summer 2005 live discussions on washingtonpost.com.

Dear Carolyn: My therapist says that if one person in a marriage wants some alone time, she should be able to tell the other person, “I’m going to the mall now because I need to have some alone time to think about things/clear my head/whatever.” While I agree that in theory this would be nice, I know that if I said this to my husband or he said this to me, the other would have a small freak-out that something was wrong. Do most people in healthy relationships feel comfortable saying this to their spouses? I know when my husband needs alone time, because he’ll go out, to the bookstore or something, and won’t invite me along. And I do the same if I need alone time, and I think he understands as well. Why do we need to be so naked and honest with each other all the time when it could be perceived in a hurtful way (e.g., I’d rather be alone than with you right now)? – Some City

See, your parenthetical says it all. Why do you automatically pair alone time with the pejorative “I’d rather not be with you“? It doesn’t have to have anything to do with you at all. It can be “I’d rather not be with anyone,” or a much more positive “I’d like to be with my own thoughts.” And why assume honesty means being nakedly so “all the time”? It’s knowing you can be frank with each other that counts.

And so, yes, I think it is part of a healthy relationship to be able to ask explicitly for alone time, because being healthy means you don’t automatically internalize your partner’s fundamental human need as a need to reject of you. It’s just a basic need, one you gladly grant, as you already do.

Unless it’s on your anniversary or birthday, in which case any such explicit requests ought to be accompanied by a delicate explanation and a lot of jewelry.

Dear Carolyn: I am usually on time, mostly early, to everything. For some reason I get anxious if I am going to be late. However, my girlfriend is habitually late, something always comes up. Any recommendations on how to deal with this developing problem? I’m sure it can’t be too uncommon. Thanks. – Va.

The people who resolve conflicts like this tend to be the ones who accept that this is the way both of you are, and so you have to work around, not try to change, each other. For example, if you want your girlfriend to be on time, build her normal tardiness margin into your plans – tell her to meet you at X for something that starts at X:30.

Of course some people have a problem with that in principle, and it’s understandable – you end up having to lie, which stinks, to compensate for someone who is behaving disrespectfully by always being late, which stinks. So the prompt one essentially takes both hits with the so-called compromise.

However, if you’ve decided you love your girlfriend completely and understand that the lateness is part of who she is, then a little clock manipulation will seem like a small price to pay. Theoretically.