Hikin’ the ball a snap

We live in the age of specialization. Certain auto mechanics only work on hydraulic brakes; some chefs only prepare free-range, egalitarian poultry; and, of course, a handful of football players only snap the ball long distances.

They are long snappers.

(Yes, I am writing about long snappers today. Why? Because I combined Zocor with grapefruit the other evening and got a bad reaction from which I have not recovered.)

The long snapper has a thankless pursuit – he hikes the ball between his legs to a holder or a punter, then a nanosecond later he gets whacked by a defensive player, then he retreats to the sideline and waits 15 minutes or so, sometimes longer, before he has to do it again.

Here is your typical NFL long snapper weekday:

9 a.m.-noon: Practice long snapping.

Noon-1:15 p.m. Lunch break.

1:15-2:55: Practice long snapping.

2:55-3:10: Long snappers’ union coffee break.

3:10-4:05: Watch videotape of other long snappers.

4:05-5:45: Deep breathing drill, accompanied by positive visualization of the perfect long snap.

5:45: Quittin’ time!

6-8:30: Go online to long snappers’ chat room.

8:30-10: Catch up on long snappers’ paperwork.

10-10:20: Lorna Doones!

Throughout history, long snappers usually are overlooked and under appreciated.

(Without a long snapper, for instance, Paul Revere doesn’t make his famous midnight ride in 1775.)

Long snappers are a quirky subculture, like tarot card readers and hedge fund managers. They speak their own language – many, in fact, can only converse while in the long snappers’ stance – and they seldom circulate or socialize out of long snapper circles.

But no football team – not the championship 1940 Bears, not the unbeaten ‘72 Dolphins, not the LT-led ‘86 Giants – could exist without the long snapper.

But how do you even find a long snapper?

HELP WANTED: Seeking athletic male, 22-35, for part-time work, with ability to bend over, look back between legs and send a football spiraling 8 to 15 yards away under stressful, violent conditions. Experience helpful, no education needed. Competitive salary. Weekend shifts mandatory; occasional overtime without additional pay.

Regrettably, most long snappers only get noticed when they make a mistake – you know, like a bad snap.

(I know the feeling. I used to be a crossing guard.)

Thankfully, as Bob Dylan once told us, the times they are a-changin’.

Last year, San Diego Chargers long snapper David Binn was in the limelight because he was romantically linked to actress Pamela Anderson. This year, Carolina Panthers long snapper Jason Kyle is dating singer Julie Roberts.

Who says the quarterback always gets the girl?

(Uh, I did. Last week.)

That’s right – Ms. Baywatch, between marriages to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, was tooling around with a long snapper! What did a long snapper have that they didn’t have? Well, I’ll bet you David Binn was a better conversationalist than Tommy Lee or Kid Rock.

Binn: “What’s up, babe?”

Anderson: “Long day at work. They made me do the same thing, over and over. And you?”

Binn: “Same old same old – snapped the ball a lot. Coach said I looked good. You want sushi?”

As for Jason Kyle, tell me he’s not The Man – he makes almost a million bucks a year, hasn’t made a bad snap in 10 seasons and is making sweet music with a country music star. Sure, Roberts lives in Nashville, but Kyle specializes in long-distance connections.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you think we need instant replay of instant replay? (Curtis Bare; Charlottesville, Va.)

A. We need less replay, not more. Trust me – if we had replay in ‘92, the Joint Student-Faculty Disciplinary Committee decision to excuse Charlie Simms from “any further response to this incident” would’ve been reversed at the end of “Scent of a Woman,” and, then, well, you don’t have a very good film, do you?

Q. Redskins offensive coordinator Al Saunders has a 700-page playbook. Wouldn’t you think some of those plays are designed to produce touchdowns? (Ken Alexander; Seattle)

A. The problem with Saunders’ 700-page playbook is that it’s not indexed. So it takes a really, really long time to find the right play.

Q. I don’t blame the on-the-field officials as much as I do the replay official who botched the Oklahoma-Oregon game. How do you explain such an atrocity? (Mike Stills; El Paso, Tex.)

A. The devil came there that day. And it smells of sulfur still today.

Q. At the 2004 World Series of Poker, Phil Hellmuth said he’d win all the time if not for luck. Do you feel the same way about marriage? (Patrick Larkin; Ashburn, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.