Network helps straight spouses

Dear Annie: For religious reasons, my husband and I waited until we were married to have sex. I’m now convinced my husband is gay and used our marriage as a facade and to have children. He has admitted to sexual dreams about men and has always been more emotionally interested in men than in me.

Although we had quick, perfunctory sex for most of our marriage, in our 40s, it has diminished to nothing. I have a strong desire for a physical connection to a man who wants a woman. I feel I’ve lived my whole adult life denying my natural desires, and I’m angry with my husband. However, I want to protect my teenage children, so a divorce is not a good idea. Is there any help out there? – Frustrated in Florida

Dear Frustrated: Actually, yes. A surprising number of spouses are in a similar situation and often choose to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children or because they truly love their homosexual mate, even without sexual intimacy.

You can find understanding and support through the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), 33 Linda Ave., Suite 2607, Oakland, CA 94611-4820 or PFLAG (pflag.org), 1726 M Street, NW, Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036.

Dear Annie: If you print this, maybe someone will recognize the warning signs of child sexual abuse in their own family.

Often, an adult will “test the waters” to see how a child responds to a small advance. If the child doesn’t report the incident, the adult feels he has a green light to continue. In our case, my father-in-law, who is 77, wanted to see more of our 9-year-old daughter’s legs, so he asked if she could lift her skirt a little. She thought this was odd, but she did it – and didn’t tell us. The next week, he French-kissed her, which she also didn’t mention.

When I asked my daughter if she was excited that Grandpa was coming to visit again, she said, “No.” She said Grandpa was acting weird and creeping her out. That’s how I found out what was going on.

We can never undo abuse once it has happened, so we have to stop it before it starts. It could be someone like Grandpa, or Dad, any relative, close family friend, neighbor or teacher, male or female. Kids need to learn at a very young age that private parts are private. If something makes them feel weird or uncomfortable, they need to tell. If they are too little to tell, watch how they respond to different people. When your child is unhappy about a visit from someone she used to like, more could be going on. – Wiser Mom in Connecticut

Dear Wiser Mom: Thank you for the frightening wake-up call. We hope our readers will pay close attention to what their children are, and are not, telling them.