Carolyn Hax: News of his divorce a shock

Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a guy for about a month, and he just decided to tell me he is divorced. I guess I was silly for not asking before, and I knew he was in a seven-year relationship, but nothing was ever mentioned about being married. Why wouldn’t he just tell me upfront? He claims he didn’t want me to think less of him, but he had many opportunities to tell me and didn’t. I am still a bit shocked and wonder if he is keeping other things from me, even though he says he isn’t. Thoughts? – “Divorced”

He may be keeping other things from you, but you don’t need to work that hard to find a problem with what he just did. How can you be comfortable with his divorce when he isn’t?

I suppose the arguments for holding out are either that he doesn’t want to share such intimate information until he feels comfortable with someone, or that he thinks he needs to develop at least some emotional attachment or else his dates will all just turn and run.

But divorce isn’t a disease (not that people should turn and run from diseases, necessarily, either … how’s that for a disclaimer). Where health is gray upon gray, divorce tends to be black-and-white. People generally are either willing to date divorce(e)s – some to the point of preferring them – or they aren’t. And, when they are willing, their one concern tends to be that the majority of shame, regrets, raw nerves and other emotional landmines be securely contained in the past.

Waiting a month didn’t make this guy less divorced, and his “Don’t hate me because I’m divorced” moment didn’t sound like a fresh start in progress.

Still, it is possible (with an assist from compassion) that this was a one-time misjudgment, that he just likes you a lot, and flinched.

Assuming you like him enough to want it, I think the truth is within your reach if you confess to your nagging concern – not with his news, but his tiptoeing around it. Listen carefully to his response. See how he talks about his ex-marriage, now that the secrecy pressure is off.

If you do find he’s comfortable enough for you to feel comfortable, then that’s at least some good news. The bad news is, if he is comfortable with it, then you have to go back to asking yourself why it took him so long to share.