Jim Kershner : Graybar Hotel an attractive retirement option

Today we take our inspiration from a certain Timothy J. Bowers of Ohio, whose retirement plan is what you might call the minimum-security “slammer” strategy.

Bowers, 63, lost his job. He could not collect full Social Security for three more years. So, he walked into a bank, handed the teller a stickup note, took $80, and then handed the money directly to a security guard. Then he politely asked the guard to apprehend him, according to the New York Times.

He later told the judge that he robbed the bank because he needed a nice three-year sentence to tide him over until Social Security kicks in. That was exactly what he ended up with: Free room and board, with full health benefits for three years at a nice little prison for “aging offenders.”

In other words, he’ll pay his debt to society, then Social Security will begin to pay his.

I believe I speak for everyone whose 401(k) plan is looking a little anemic when I say that the Bowers Retirement Strategy offers more hope than the Automatic $1-a-Month Payroll Deduction Plan that most of us are on. According to statistics, most Americans have approximately $3.50 saved up for retirement.

Still, spending three-to-five of your golden years at the Riker’s Island Retirement Community may not appeal to everyone. So, inspired by Bowers’ outside-the-box strategy, I tried to come up with some other creative retirement alternatives:

■ Downsize your lifestyle by selling your home and moving into a hobo jungle.

■ Move to an exotic foreign “retirement haven,” such as Darfur or Islamabad, where you can stretch your retirement dollar.

■ If you enjoy your job, keep working. There is no reason for you to give up your career as a hot-tar roofer just because you turned 91.

■ Move in with your children and give them free parenting advice in exchange for room and board. (I’m sure they would also appreciate you giving them free retirement planning advice).

■ Downsize your lifestyle by getting rid of cable TV, internet access, NetFlix and your subscription to High Times magazine. Just sit quietly in a darkened room for 30 years.

■ Find a part-time job to help make ends meet. Many retired people have found that four hours in a rock quarry gives structure to their day.

“ Supplement your income by taking in boarders. (Boarders are young people who will live in your house, make too much noise, and then accuse you of sticking your nose into their affairs. So it’ll be exactly like when you had teenagers.)

■ Stage your own death to collect the life insurance. Try to think of a good alibi if your insurance agent recognizes you later that day at the grocery store.

■ Downsize your lifestyle by cutting out unnecessary frills such as traveling, golfing, skiing, fishing, hobbies, seeing your grandchildren and every other fun thing you put off for 40 years until retirement.

Or, you can try the Bowers Retirement Strategy, although, frankly, there are some who might be tempted to take this concept to the extreme. Why not make an attempt to get away scot-free with a massive bagful of loot? If you make off with 300 grand, your retirement problems are solved; if you get caught, your retirement problems are solved anyway. A financial planner might call this a win-win situation.

Oh, except for one little problem. The security guard might shoot you dead.

Then again, the last thing you want to do is outlive your retirement nest egg. Let’s call it win-win-win.