Don’t keep son from knowing criminal father

Dear Mr. Dad: I got pregnant when I was 15 and left school. My son’s father had been in and out of juvenile hall for doing drugs but we stayed together for three more years to raise our son.

After a while I got tired of the drugs and of him hardly ever being around, so I took my son and left. A couple of years later he all of a sudden wants to be super dad.

Well, the day of our custody hearing, he robbed a gas station and is now sitting in state prison or boot camp.

I feel that Arlen is getting a little confused by all this. People think I should let him see his dad because he’s going to be in jail for at least a couple of years, but I’m engaged to someone else now and I’d just as soon make a clean break.

What do I do?

A: What a tough situation. My suggestion is that you let Arlen spend as much time with his father as possible before his dad goes away.

Arlen, like most children, sees himself as half mom, half dad. So he’s probably worrying that one day he’ll end up like dad, doing bad things, or having to spend time in jail.

I’m sure that deep inside he’s a very scared little boy. Plus, no matter what his dad has done, he loves him very much. Not letting him see dad will compound his pain.

This, of course, puts you in a bind. On one hand, you want to move on. On the other, you want to protect your son.

By supporting Arlen’s relationship with his dad you’ll be showing him that it’s OK to love dad – even if you no longer do – and that by doing so he won’t be disappointing you and won’t lose your love.

It’s also very important that you encourage Arlen to talk about this situation and that you answer his questions in an age-appropriate way.

You need to emphasize that his father is not a bad person; he’s just made some very bad choices, and there are consequences. (You’ve probably said something like this already to Arlen many times after he’s misbehaved, “I’ll always love you but I don’t always love what you do.”) If possible, tell Arlen some nice things about his dad.

Also, ask Arlen from time to time if he wants to talk about his father. If not, let it go but bring it up again in a few days.

You might also initiate a conversation by saying something like, “I know you’re probably thinking about your dad a lot right now. Would you tell me what you’re thinking?”

By doing this, you’ll be reminding him of the very important idea that it’s OK to love dad without jeopardizing your love for him.