Decide if he’s truly the one

Dear Carolyn: I am trying to make what seems to be an impossible decision. My boyfriend and I have been together one year and nine months, but long-distance for the last 14 months. We are both 23. We are both convinced we have found our lifelong partners.

However, he has been required to take a job on the other end of the country. I have been offered a good job there as well, but moving would take me away from something I have been working toward for years, that is very, very, very important to me and has been since long before we met. He is unwilling to continue dating long-distance for the next two years, which would be the next time we could be together, though we talk every night and visit every month or so. I need to decide in the next few weeks whether to follow him and give up this very important thing, or to stay and give him up.

The fact that I haven’t decided yet is tearing us apart both as a couple and as individuals. I have talked it through with many friends, tried making lists, paid attention to my dreams, but these haven’t helped. I have no idea how to make this decision. – Agonizing

Ooh, ooh, I know! I think.

How does he feel about this pursuit you’re finding so hard to leave behind? If he doesn’t support it – I mean really get it, not just in theory, which anyone can pull off – then he doesn’t support you, know you, love you. Certainly not enough to justify a heartrending cross-country move based on, essentially, seven months of dating.

If he does really get it and I’ve brought you no closer to a decision, then we still have this: You’re 23. If he’s right for you now, he’ll be right when you’re 25. You don’t even have to agree to that now; it’s a conclusion you can both come to independently, despite – or even thanks to – breaking up and starting new lives.

Carolyn: I am 50, financially secure. I am considering marrying a man who is struggling to meet his financial obligations. For what it’s worth, I don’t agree with all of his financial decisions, though his intentions are good. I am torn between taking care of myself, and embracing the notion of being a family and easing the burdens of those I love. – Financially at Risk?

If you want to marry this man, then marry him.

As long as you don’t trade in your financial security to do it. Recruit an attorney and a financial planner beforehand to help you set up a cushion to protect you against the worst case. Better yet, against the moderately bad case, or even the not-so-great case.