Annie’s Mailbox: Family ties require effort

Dear Annie: I am bothered by the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my younger brother and sister. Our dad died when we were young, and Mom passed away four years ago.

My brother is mentally ill and divorced and has an 18-year-old son in jail on drug charges. My sister just turned 50, never married and has no children. I have three grown children who are doing well. My youngest just moved out of the house, so I’m experiencing the empty nest.

When Mom was alive, we got together for holidays and family gatherings. Since she died, we have seen each other only a few times. My husband and kids have trouble tolerating my brother because he refuses to take medication and can be hard to deal with. My sister and I used to talk weekly on the phone, but she doesn’t call anymore. When I call her, I always get her machine and leave a message, but she never calls back. My children were close to my sister when they were growing up, but they all have told me their aunt is “different” now. They think she is jealous and bitter that I have a family and she wasn’t able to have children.

We spend a great deal of time with my husband’s very large and welcoming family, but I feel bad that I rarely see my siblings. When I invite them to my home, they make excuses why they can’t come. Should I leave things alone? Was I wrong to think we would become closer after my mother died? It’s depressing me. – Sad

Dear Sad: Actually, parents are often the glue that holds siblings together. When the parents die, siblings who don’t have a lot in common often go their separate ways. It takes effort to maintain family ties, and since you are the one who wants to stay in touch, you will have to do the work. Keep calling your siblings just to say hello, send cards on their birthdays and invite them for family gatherings. One of these days, we hope they will surprise you.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Shutter Shy,” whose parents are always telling her to “show her teeth.” I think she should turn lemons into lemonade and give her parents a crazy, happy Cheshire Cat grin (with wide, staring eyes) every time they take a picture of her. They might eventually stop asking her to smile. – Eduardo

Dear Eduardo: They might – or they’ll have lots of very peculiar photos of their child.