Annie’s Mailbox: Husband can’t undo past

Dear Annie: I just discovered my husband has a son by an old flame who was “the love of his life.” The baby was born shortly after we married 36 years ago.

My husband wants me to stop living in the past (he has had at least three affairs) and let it go. The thing is, I can’t. It consumes me, and I can’t think of anything else. I have left him a couple of times but always came back. I’m not sure I’m going to get over this one. I have been in counseling, but it may not be enough. What can I do? – Knoxville, Tenn.

Dear Knoxville: We know this betrayal seems brand new to you and that it means your husband has a child with a woman you still feel threatened by. But he cannot undo the past, no matter how painful, so think carefully about what you expect from him. After you have had time to absorb the shock of this revelation and discuss it with a counselor, you will have a better idea of what decisions you need to make.

Dear Annie: When my family gets together, we like to go to a restaurant so no one has to cook. The problem is, my brother, “Vic,” and his wife, “Vera,” can never take care of their own bill. They are hurt if we don’t tell them we went out, but when we do tell them, they say they “won’t be eating” because they don’t have the money. Or worse, they show up, eat and expect someone to treat them.

This puts us in an awkward position. Once, my sister generously gave them a pre-determined amount to cover their meals. Vera used the money to order a lot of appetizers and then complained how everyone else was eating and she only had salad and breadsticks. Even when we have meals at someone’s house, Vera likes to take all the leftovers, often without asking. I have a family of five and could use those leftovers, too.

Vic and Vera are not poor, just living beyond their means. We see them going on trips, but when it is time to pay their share of a restaurant bill, they are suddenly broke, waiting for someone to rescue them.

We have offered to make plans after dinner that don’t involve money, but should we continue to tell them about our restaurant outings? – Against Chronic Mooching in Illinois

Dear Illinois: The next time the family plans to go out for dinner, tell Vic about it, but make it clear that no one can afford to keep treating the two of them, and if they don’t think they can pay their own bill, they might prefer to join you after dinner. If Vic and Vera come to the restaurant anyway, none of you should feel obligated to cover their tab. In fact, we suggest you discuss this with the other family members in advance so you can present a united front. Vic and Vera will stop mooching when you stop allowing it.