Ignore mom’s guilt baiting
Dear Annie: I’m having problems with my mother. For her, the worst is always to come: financial crises, prowlers in the neighborhood, war, death, famine. Yet if she calls and you aren’t all sunshiny, she berates you. Mom has little contact with family and runs hot and cold with her friends. She would probably benefit from therapy if she were open to it, but she’s not.
The last time we talked she insisted we were going to lose our house (not so), and when I tried to steer the subject elsewhere, she became agitated. I tried to calm things down, and she hung up on me. We haven’t spoken since.
The strange thing is, I don’t miss her. I don’t want to feud with my mother, and it’s peaceful not hearing about the end of the world or how stupid I am. .
If I contact her, Mom will expect me to grovel and she’ll list all my “sins” against her. I used to beat myself up over it, but after therapy I realize I’m not so bad. How do I handle this? – Tired of Groveling
Dear Tired: Your mother thrives on creating turmoil. You can maintain contact without getting drawn into her guilt vortex by setting boundaries and disengaging when she becomes difficult.
Call her up and say hello as if no time has passed. Don’t grovel. If she berates you in any way, respond sweetly that you’re glad she’s feeling OK, say goodbye and hang up. Do it again in a week. When she sees that she can’t ruffle your feathers, she will adjust.
Dear Annie: I am 60 years old and have been dating “George” for over a year. The problem is, he lives like a caveman. His home is filthy and piled with junk so he spends most of his time at my home, where he leaves coffee spills everywhere, greasy fingerprints on cabinets and so on. He also has a terrible habit of constantly picking his nose and adjusting his male parts. I think those may be nervous habits.
Should I move on or work on these problems so that we might be happy together? – Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: You have nothing to lose by being frank and telling George that he needs to control his nervous habits and learn about cleanliness. Teach him what you can. Remind him when he forgets. If he won’t work on this or doesn’t improve, decide what you are willing to tolerate.
Dear Readers: Sunday is the 12th anniversary of the Worldwide Candle Lighting. At 7 p.m. local time, anyone who wishes can light a candle for one hour in remembrance of all the children who have died. Those who would like more information can contact the Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) at (877) 969-0010.