Plan wedding regardless of second-guessers

Dear Carolyn: I’m recently engaged. Most of what I’ve heard so far from family and friends is what I should do, what they want out of me and requests to explain why I’m not interested in doing X or Y like other brides – and I’m feeling like my preferences don’t matter.

I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never even been a bridesmaid. I already have a hard time putting myself first in my various relationships. I don’t want to be rude or a Bridezilla, but so far my attempts at getting people to respect my wishes aren’t working. – City of Wedding Hell, Population Me

You’re letting me plan your wedding? It must be “my day”!

You need:

“A budget. If the total comes from but doesn’t drain your savings, you’re beholden to none but each other.

“A location. Choose without apology if you like it, can afford it, and make it accessible to those who matter (in descending order of importance: the couple; the people whose presence is important enough to affect the date and location; everyone else).

“An officiant, representing your beliefs as a couple – not your beliefs as a dutiful child, your beliefs in appearances, or your beliefs in location, location, location.

Finally, you need enough refreshments and seating to make your guests comfortable; invitations; a head count that reflects both your budget and vision; music to keep things festive; and a dress that doesn’t scream “fairy dust poisoning.”

Unless that’s your preference. This whole blueprint is about marriage, on the couple’s terms. Assuming your terms aren’t “vanity” and “waste,” the only people you’ll really offend are those who want things done their way, not yours – i.e., the ones you can’t please anyway.

Here’s what you don’t need: anyone’s respect. Want, yes, not need. It’s between you and your fiance. Mazel tov.

Carolyn: My college roommate and friend of over 15 years stayed overnight two consecutive Sundays when he was in town to see his doctor about the possible recurrence of his cancer. Both nights he ordered pay-per-view porn while sleeping on the couch in the basement. My girlfriend of six years is upset and doesn’t want him staying at our house anymore. Do you think that is justified, or overkill? – M.

Your question could easily have read: “During two overnight stays at our house, a friend of mine ordered pay-per-view porn. My girlfriend doesn’t want him staying at our house anymore.”

But you added very specific details. Meaning, you want the answer to reflect: that these visits matter, this friend matters, his circumstances matter, and this girlfriend matters.

If that’s what you wanted me to see, then make those points to your girlfriend. You love and respect her but would like to give this friend a break.

It’s a fair position, even if she disagrees. And since she also makes a fair point – sticking your host with the porn tab is not the way to get invited back – you’re the one who gets to have the conversation with your friend about laying off/reimbursing the pay-per-view (enjoy!).

That is, if you manage to sway her, because otherwise her veto stands. In a home shared by two equals, a “no” from one person means “no.”