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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: Stop making excuses for him

The Washington Post The Spokesman-Review

Dear Carolyn: I found out that my boyfriend has been selling my prescribed anti-anxiety medication (sedatives) to a friend of his. Not many, but a few. I hate this friend, so on top of feeling ripped off, I don’t want to do anything that would benefit him. I found out, however, by snooping through my boyfriend’s text messages. So, yes, I am aware we have trust issues; neither of us trusts the other enough. We’ve had a lot of counseling and are working on it, but it’s slow going. What should I do? And, please don’t go too far down the road about how it’s illegal. We’re not talking about narcotics here; Claritin was a prescription drug a couple of years ago. – Snoopy the Impromptu Drug Dealer

This is good. If I slap my forehead numb, it’s almost like homemade Botox.

Normally it’s difficult to help people solve a problem when I’m told not to mention the problem. Fortunately, with your situation, I can just mosey on down and pick the next problem in line.

You are rationalizing the fact that your boyfriend is stealing something that you rely on for your health – not to save his dying mother, mind you, or feed his family, but for profit. Wow. I’ll give you credit – most people try to rationalize away the little stuff, but you didn’t shrink from a challenge.

I appreciate that you’ve invested a lot of time and hard work in this guy, and that accepting he’s a thief means discarding it all. But you’re trying to spin his atrocious behavior into something … I don’t know, nonatrocious. (A complete waste of time, by the way, if I haven’t made my leanings clear.) And, you’re trying to pass off the hated but irrelevant friend as part of the problem.

Instead, why don’t you spin dumping the boyfriend as follows: getting your soul back.

You’ve tried to make counseling work on someone who equates “decency” with “lost income.” Now try it on someone who deserves your attention: a certain text-snooping, self-loathing provider of pills and excuses. You have to want more out of life.

Hi, Carolyn: I was in a relationship with a controller/abuser, and I finally got out about four months ago. How can you tell the difference between “just not ready for” and “just not into” someone? I’ve started seeing a wonderful woman. But I feel very “blah” about things. – Baltimore

Your circumstances are plainly sympathetic: You’ve been badly hurt and barely had time to mend (and might have a touch of depression).

You’re also admitting you need time alone to someone who, presumably, you’d be otherwise eager to see. If you mean it like you say it, a wonderful person will get it. The truth is unerring that way.