Nonprofit helps men become better parents

When his daughter was born two years ago, Terrence Craven knew he had only two options: change his life and become a dad, or run the risk of losing his child.

After holding Bionkah for the first time in the hospital, the choice was clear to Craven, a man whose many problems at the time included depression, anger management and a habit for indulging in alcohol and drugs.

He knew instantly he wanted to be with his daughter. But he also realized he couldn’t do it alone.

So Craven, now 42, sought help from the Collaborative Fatherhood Project.

A program offered by the Spokane Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Center, the Fatherhood Project has helped hundreds of men learn how to bond and care for their children while clarifying their roles as dads.

Like other offerings at the nonprofit SCAN, the project works with the specific needs of individual dads and gives them access to numerous services including counseling, paralegal assistance, employment referrals and classes such as Nurturing Fatherhood, an 11-week series that shows men what it takes to be a dad.

While many who come to the Fatherhood Project are low-income, the program has assisted married and single men of all ages and from all walks of life – from dads as young as 15 or 16 to older fathers who struggle with their teenage kids, as well as grandfathers who have custody of their grandkids.

“When guys get involved in their children’s lives, it really makes a difference – especially during the first three years of a child’s life,” said Justin Aubertin, a parent educator at SCAN who helps facilitate the Fatherhood Project.

Children who have a father or male role model in their lives tend to do better in school than those who don’t, said Auberton, who focused his research on the role of fathers while earning a master’s degree in social work at Eastern Washington University.

These kids also perform better on tests, are less susceptible to peer pressure and are less likely to live in poverty, he said.

Sometimes, people are stuck in the 1950s mentality that mothers nurture while men are simply the disciplinarians and the breadwinners, Aubertin said. But fathers do indeed bond with their children, he assured. And they can care and nurture them just as well as mothers.

Some men, however, never experienced or learned this during their own childhood, Aubertin said. They had no role models, and as a result, often don’t understand what it takes to be a good parent.

There also aren’t as many support services for fathers, especially single dads, as there are for mothers, Aubertin said. Yet single fathers are the largest growing family structure.

According to 2004 figures from the U.S. Census Bureau on “America’s Families and Living Arrangements,” there are 2.3 million single fathers in the United States. In 1970, there were only about 400,000.

Men account for about 18 percent of the country’s single parents living with their children, according to the census. Among those fathers, 42 percent are divorced, 39 percent have never married and 11 percent are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old.

“Fathers are just as valuable to children as their mothers,” said Aubertin, a single dad. “But sometimes, guys just don’t realize how they important they are. Most dads want to be a bigger part of their kids’ life and they don’t know that it’s an option.”

Instead of an equal, dads are sometimes viewed as “the second parent,” said Craven.

“In my heart, I’m just as important to my daughter,” he said. “As dads, we raise our children differently in a lot of ways, but we’re also the same.

“There’s nothing I won’t do for my daughter. My love is just as strong.”

Since SCAN started offering classes specifically for dads six years ago, hundreds of men have taken advantage of the services at Fatherhood Project.

Among the most popular courses is a class for new or expectant dads that teaches them how to hold a baby, how to feed a child, how to swaddle an infant and other basics that can sometimes cause anxiety for new parents.

While most men take classes, others seek help with paperwork involving custody issues, said Aubertin.

“These guys want to visit their kids and be more involved, but they don’t know how to do it,” he said.

Craven, a Spokane resident for the last 10 years, was referred to the Fatherhood Project shortly after Bionkah was born.

While his daughter was in foster care during the first year of her life, Craven took classes that dealt with his own issues of addiction and anger management. He also spent hours with parent educators and other experts learning how to improve his skills as a dad.

“I learned how to see things through the eyes of my daughter and to put her needs first,” said Craven.

“I started realizing how much a child needed their parents. I even started realizing how important my own parents were in my life.”

Shortly after Bionkah’s first birthday, Craven regained custody of his daughter.

Since then, he has started a support group for dads. He’s also in the process of editing and publishing a newsletter called “The Nurturing Times” to let others know about all the services and activities available to families in Spokane.

Craven said he wants to show other fathers that they’re not alone in their struggles, and that it takes the support of other men in order to get through.

Every week, he and a few fathers in the Dads Helping Dads support group meet with their children in a North Side church where they discuss safety, emotional issues, education, discipline and other parenting topics.

“I meet a lot of parents who want to give up,” said Craven. “But it helps when guys look out for each other and try to help each other become better dads.

“I tell them to never give up and to do whatever it takes to take care of their kids.”

Craven also continues to take parenting classes through the Fatherhood Project and other agencies including Partners with Families and Children.

Having his daughter in his life also has helped him set goals for the future. In the last few months, he and Bionkah have been spending many hours at the Institute for Extended Learning, where she’s in daycare while he takes classes to help him earn a GED.

Craven’s dream is to graduate from college and become a social worker and chemical dependency counselor. He also wants to continue his work with other fathers.

“Before she was born, I lived life pretty recklessly,” Craven said. “But I started fixing my life because I didn’t want to lose her. …

“My daughter means everything to me. She changed my life.”