Carolyn Hax: Take hard look at choices so far

Dear Carolyn: Prior to leaving for grad school, I was living with my girlfriend, A, and surreptitiously dating B and C. I know, I’m a terrible, terrible heel. Something wasn’t working, and I didn’t handle it well. When grad school offered the chance, I got as far from all three as I could and tried to start anew. I wasn’t honest with them, or myself for that matter.

The first few months saw B stop talking to me. Dated C seriously, though that died a long-distance death. Final years of school saw me seeing A more and more frequently. I moved back in with her, partly because things were going well again, partly because I still find myself unemployed.

Skip to now. I’ve seen that A and I are still two very different people. Went away for an interview and looked up C. Why? Not sure. Then came home and dreamt of B.

I have no idea what I’m doing, why, etc. Other than counseling, what can I do? I really do care about all three but deserve none of them, or none of them deserve me. – Confused in St. Louis

Something still isn’t working, and you still aren’t handling it well.

Let’s not get too swayed by what people “deserve,” though. After all, you are either chronically noncommittal or patently insincere – and yet only one member of your alphabet has dropped you. That means you aren’t the only one whose judgment needs fresh air and a high-fiber diet.

You’re absolving your victims, I get it. It’s noble. It’s also not helpful. You need honest assessments of people, not platitudes, to understand “what I’m doing, why, etc.”

Here’s an example. You moved in with A “partly because” you’re unemployed? Here’s the version that isn’t a whopper: “I needed shelter, so I lied to myself, lied to A and moved in.”

Put all your choices under light that harsh. I’m guessing Girl A is your shelter from yourself, and B and C are shelter from A. And even with a motto like “Shelter first, ask questions later (then don’t ask questions),” you will find deserving partners. You fill their needs like they fill yours.

That’s your pattern. It is also, unfortunately, as close to the root of your problem as your information takes me. On your own (or with good counseling, if you’re stuck), you’ll need to isolate why independence scares you, then wrap your mind around it and pull. Tackle it single, please.