Davis interviewing Cable might have sounded like this

A knock on the door of Oakland Raiders managing general don Al Davis is heard Tuesday morning:

Visitor: “You wanted to see me, Mr. Davis?”

Davis: “That depends. Who are you?”

Visitor: “Tom Cable.”

Davis: “Not interested. We have Dish Network.”

Cable: “No, no – Tom Cable, your offensive line coach.”

Davis: “OK, you’ll do. I’m promoting you to head coach.”

Cable: “What about Lane Kiffin?”

Davis: “Whatever he said, he’s lying.”

Cable: “He said anybody who aspired to be your head coach better prepare to be fed a steady diet of bat guano salad.”

Davis: “Chris Mortensen probably wrote that for him. Another liar.”

Cable: “So you fired Lane?”

Davis: “That’s right. Fired for cause.”

Cable: “Why?”

Davis: “ ‘Cause I didn’t like him.”

Cable: “That’s a really old joke, Mr. Davis.”

Davis: “Joke?”

Cable: “Well, I appreciate the opportunity.”

Davis: “Of course you do. Now, I have to do a press conference here in a few minutes and while I can rant about 90 minutes on this miserable excuse of a human being I just fired, I’m going to have to introduce you, too. So sit down and tell me a little about yourself.”

Cable: “Where should I sit?”

Davis: “Make yourself comfortable in that ‘Commitment to Excellence’ beanbag chair. Where’d you play ball, Tim?”

Cable: “Uh, Tom, sir. I played at Idaho.”

Davis: “Idaho? You’re not the guy the Rams fired on Monday, are you? I hate it when somebody pulls the trigger faster than I do.”

Cable: “No, that was Scott Linehan. He was my college teammate.”

Davis: “Don’t go thinking you’ll hire him for your staff. I do the hiring here. I don’t need any college buddy crap. I know when people are trying to plot against me. Kiffin, he wanted to bring in his dad. Now you and your frat brother? Try it and you’re fired. You hear me? Fired!”

Cable: “No, sir. I was just…”

Davis: “So, Kibble, where did you coach before?”

Cable: “It’s Cable, sir. I was the line coach in Atlanta two years ago when they led the NFL in rushing. I was offensive coordinator at UCLA for two years before that.”

Davis: “Ever been a head coach?”

Cable: “Uh…”

Davis: “You gonna make me look it up in the media guide?”

Cable: “OK, I was the head coach for four years at Idaho, too.”

Davis: “Excellent, Ted. How did that go?”

Cable: “It’s … never mind. We won some games. Louisiana-Monroe … New Mexico State … Louisiana-Monroe…”

Davis: “How many?”

Cable: “Eleven.”

Davis: “Which means you lost…”

Cable: “Thirty-five.”

Davis: “Yikes, Krable. That’s a Joe Bugel percentage. How did you last four years?”

Cable: “I’m not sure anybody else wanted the job.”

Davis: “I know the feeling.”

Cable: “I’m serious. They wanted to interview a couple other ex-Vandals with better resumes, but when those guys found out we were going into the Sun Belt the next year they pulled out.”

Davis: “Now, Tad, as you can tell by looking at me, I’ve spent some time in the sun over the years and I’m pretty sure Idaho’s nowhere near the Sun Belt. There’s no reason to stretch the truth. If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s a liar! Like that Kiffin! You looking for some of what I gave him?”

Cable: “No, sir, it’s true. It was the only Division I conference that would have us.”

Davis: “What was Idaho doing in Division I?”

Cable: “That’s what I kept asking the president and AD.”

Davis: “What were they like?”

Cable: “From what I’m told, a lot like you. Not much for listening to reason.”

Davis: “Hey, just win, baby. OK, so we won’t mention your record at the press conference. We’ll tell them your forte is handling personnel.”

Cable: “I once benched an all-conference quarterback in favor of Joey Harrington’s little brother.”

Davis: “For the love of Norv Turner, man. Well, we’re safe on that score. We don’t have a Harrington on our roster – and I’m in charge of the roster. So, is Idaho still in the Sun Belt?”

Cable: “No, they got into the WAC a few years back.”

Davis: “Then things are going better.”

Cable: “Not so much. Nick Holt replaced me and lost 18 games in two years. Dennis Erickson – he can win any place – lost eight in one season and stiffed them for Arizona State. The new guy, Robb Akey, could be looking at a second 11-loss season.”

Davis: “Really? So he could be available next year when I…”

Cable: “What?”

Davis: “Nothing, Don. Just thinking out loud.”