County’s new racetrack comes loaded with extras

Looks like I owe Todd Mielke and Mark Richard a huge apology.

I’m not too big to admit it. I was too critical when the two Spokane County commissioners gave the finger to private enterprise and bought the former Spokane Raceway Park in Airway Heights at an auction.

I figured these two Republican lunkheads knew as little about racetracks as they do about, well, running the county.

Boy, was I wrong.

Recent environmental tests conducted by the state show that Mielke and Richard didn’t just stick the taxpayers with a racetrack.

They gave us a 315-acre hazardous chemical depot, too.

Tests conducted by Washington state ecologists have shown a significant level of cleaning solvent in the water wells at the site.

Oh, sure. Cynics will be quick to point out that cleaning up the contamination could cost taxpayers millions upon millions.

I’m guessing Bonnie Mager, the county commissioner who voted against borrowing $4.5 million to buy the racetrack, is dancing through the courthouse halls hollering:

“Told ya so. Told ya soooooo.”

Why be negative? As any slime-sucking Hollywood agent will tell you, every scandal can be turned into a golden opportunity with the right amount of spin.

Take Michael Phelps. The swimming sensation has received all sorts of damaging publicity lately over a photograph that shows the athlete engaged in a lip-lock with an Olympic-sized bong.

Phelps is being accused of wrecking his image as a role model.

I say skip apologies. Phelps needs to realize that he is now a role model to a far larger audience: the world stoner population.

If I were Phelps’ agent, I’d be making deals with pizza chains and leading manufacturers of cupcakes and Ring Dings.

Under my direction, Phelps would launch his own line of hemp swimwear.

Heard of the Speedo?

Meet the Weedo.

Frankly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Phelps is still the same inarticulate, lovable jughead who won all those gold medals, some of them in record times.

Now he’s just going after the Acapulco Gold and the cover of High Times. Leave him alone.

Man, I missed my calling. I should have gone into PR.

Speaking of which, I will gladly help Mielke and Richard put some spin on their racetrack woes.

For a hefty fee, naturally.

(That shouldn’t be a problem. Mielke and Richard obviously believe public money is theirs for the burning.)

See, this ecology thing is a lucky break if you ask me.

Anyone involved in industry knows how expensive cleaning solvents can be. Plus there’s all this ridiculous red tape you have to wade through whenever you have to have the stuff hauled or if a worker tumbles into a vat of it.

So having an abundant supply of cleaning solvent right there in your own wells is a real advantage.

Not for drinking, of course. God, no. That crap’ll give you cancer.

But the solvent water will be mighty handy if one of the racers needs to, say, clean the gunk out of a carburetor or strip the paint off a fender.

I have a lot of other great track ideas, too.

Like attracting some commercial sponsors who would pay for the privilege of buying into a polluted racetrack.

The Poison Control Center, say.

Or Exxon.

We could set up special promotional events on racing nights. “Wear your hazmat suit and get in free.” That’d work.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we do anything we’ve got to do something about that Spokane Motor Sports Park name.

There is now only one fitting name for this place.

The Spokane County Waste Track.