Ask for support from your critics

Dear Carolyn: I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, and I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by the whole thing. I feel like everyone (from family and friends to society) expects me to feel sheer joy, and I don’t. I find pregnancy talk boring, and I’m amazed at the amount of unsolicited (and unwelcome) advice I’m receiving. Yesterday I yelled at my best friend because she chastised me for a food choice. I used to be a grown-up – now I feel like I’m being scrutinized like an ungrateful, irresponsible child. I feel really alone.

Any thoughts? – Pregnant in Chicago

A few, which you’re free to dismiss.

A first pregnancy is new, strange and has life-altering consequences. I think people all come factory-equipped to seek out like-minded others, no matter their particular circumstances – and when we’re processing something big, like a pregnancy, that impulse becomes especially strong.

When we seek but do not find, the distress is especially strong, too.

So you’re on a natural quest for someone who gets it, who will listen without judging, respect you as a mother instead of treating you like a rookie, assure you without platitudes, inform without condescension and warn without hype. You want the friend every pregnant woman wants – but the quest isn’t going too well.

Does that sound about right, or am I just the next one in line to get it wrong?

Either way, your best chance at getting what you need is to put a finger on exactly what you want people to provide, and ask for it without rancor. “I’d like to be able to express mixed feelings without feeling like a monster.” “I’d like to eat without worrying whether the judges approve.”

You’re not only the same adult you were before, you’re also at a threshold where being one is essential. Think of it as a particularly obnoxious test, where passing demands that you be true to no one but you and your kid.