Test run on ‘Wipeout’ course messy, painful

A row of mechanized, doughnut-shaped hurdles took turns punching my jaw, chest and – oh, yeah – my groin.

This was supposed to be an amusing diversion, but I wanted nothing more than to curse like I had never cursed before.

I kept my profanities in check, though, because I wasn’t alone: Twenty video cameras leered at me like a thousand eyes while I tackled the grueling “Wipeout” obstacle course.

The producers of the ABC hit game show – which begins its second season tonight – had invited me to the outdoor set on a sprawling ranch 40 miles outside Los Angeles to have a go at the infamous obstacle course.

The day I visited, the course was populated with silly food-themed barriers. There were essentially five impasses to overcome: a series of banana-shaped platforms swinging above a vat of mud; a wall of punching boxing gloves; the show’s hallmark inflated floating balls; those torturous doughnut hurdles; and a swing from a platform onto a giant hot dog.

The only safety equipment I was outfitted with was a lifejacket festooned with the splashy “Wipeout” logo and some lace-up ankle covers. That’s it. No helmet. No pads. No cup.

I sped down the hill, across a series of floating platforms to the bananas. Without hesitating, I flew over the first one – success! – then slipped from the second into the mud.

A new addition this season is a second mechanical obstacle. During my visit, it was that series of bobbing foam-padded doughnut-shaped hurdles that are controlled at a table about 50 feet away by an evil human operator who grinds his teeth as he mashes the controls.

“Wipeout,” co-host Jill Wagner mockingly proclaimed of my performance as I limped over. “It was like a gazelle elegantly moving through the course. It deserved $50,000.”

Wagner revealed my time was a respectable 5 minutes and 32 seconds. Executive producer Matt Kunitz later told me if I had been actually participating in the show, my time would have qualified me for the next round.

Uh, no thanks. The excruciating experience – and glob of mud I blew out of my nose on the car ride home – was enough for me.