Carolyn Hax: His affair doesn’t really bother her

Dear Carolyn: My husband is having an affair. I have many forms of proof (did not need to search that hard). I have not confronted him yet.

Instead of his actually owning up to it, I’m expecting him to say, “Well, can you blame me?” He has asked/pushed hard to go to counseling. I have agreed and told him to set up the appointment, but he has not.

Sadly, I’m not really bothered by it.

I’m sure he thinks I am unaware. The immature part of me just wants to say “gotcha.” Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there? – Aware but don’t care

There are two possibilities here, each with a different answer.

The first is that you mean exactly what you’ve written. In that case, you need to lock the immature part of you in the bathroom till the coast is clear, and then tell your husband what you’ve discovered.

The second possibility is that you’re deeply hurt, and you’re lashing out in a misguided attempt to shield your sadness, disappointment and humiliation over the failures of your marriage that have culminated in your husband’s affair.

This possibility may be a long shot, granted. But you’re saying, “I don’t care” and then squaring yourself for a fight – when a true “I don’t care” is all about not fighting anymore.

Could it be that this long, passive goodbye feels easier to you than taking the emotional risk of admitting your feelings, admitting your failings and trying to save your marriage? If so, I hope you’ll start admitting all this before it’s too late.

Either way, the only move you have left that’s solidly in the best interests of your marriage – and your integrity – is for you to find your courage and tell your truth, wherever that happens to lead.