Dad who dates may have other priorities

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for about four months now. He is the single dad of a gaggle of children; his ex-wife died about a year ago. It’s been hard finding time to get together, since he feels he should be there for dinner and putting them to bed every night. I think it’s great he’s devoted, but sometimes I think it’s a way to keep things from getting more serious.

I would like to suggest getting together somewhere with his kids, so we can spend some time together during daylight hours. But I am not a parent, and I need another perspective to know if this is unreasonable. – Dating a dad

I suppose it’s reasonable to want more time with him, and to see including the kids as the means to that end.

But it’s way more reasonable for this father to use his devotion as a sturdy set of brakes on getting more serious. The kids are reason enough for him to move glacially, but their mother’s fairly recent death screams for added caution.

Girlfriends come and go, and Daddy’s breakups can strain even kids who aren’t already grieving. Maybe you are there to stay, but you can’t possibly know that yet, nor can he. And he doesn’t just need to like and trust you enough to get serious; he needs to see whether he can trust you to be good for his kids (i.e., make them your priorities). You’re already balking, after the first song of your audition.

So. Please either embrace the pace or rethink the guy. It isn’t about you, can’t be, and won’t be for years. It’s not wrong to want to be a man’s priority; it’s just wrong to stay with this guy if that’s what you want from him.