‘New Year’s Eve’ drops the ball

“Valentine’s Day Redux” — or as it’s officially known, “New Year’s Eve” — purports to be about a night on which the “entire world comes together” to celebrate. Considering that most people in this country spend that particular night on the sofa with a bag of chips and some cheap bubbly, fighting to stay awake until midnight, the premise may be overstated.

Still, the latest in what is turning out to be a series of secondary holiday-themed movies — can “Bastille Day” be far behind? — “New Year’s Eve” is not unbearable. It’s not bad, but it’s not good, either. It delivers exactly what you expect: pretty faces, shallow romance and a mythical fanaticism about an event in a friendly Manhattan unblemished by hyper-vigilant security measures, obnoxious drunks or New York Jets fans.

Does it matter, really, what happens? OK, if it does: Lots of stars spar, fall in love, face regrets and eagerly anticipate the ball drop in Times Square. Names are unimportant in this script; these characters are known by their faces. Bike messenger Zac Efron — who is the most charming person on the screen, despite the presence of three Oscar winners — squires around a sad Michelle Pfeiffer and helps her cross dreams off her bucket list.

Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele get stuck in an elevator. Josh Duhamel hopes to meet the mysterious woman he met a year ago at midnight. Sarah Jessica Parker worries when her teenage daughter (Abigail Breslin) sneaks off to meet a dreamy boy (Jake T. Austin). Hilary Swank is in charge of ensuring the ball drops on time, with an assist from Ludacris. Nurse Halle Berry comforts a dying Robert De Niro. (Wait. What the hell is Robert De Niro doing here?) Jon Bon Jovi looks fantastic, but honestly, does he really prefer the shrill Katherine Heigl to Sofia Vergara?

Naturally you can’t stare too hard at this shiny, processed bauble or it begins to crack. Zac Efron is Sarah Jessica Parker’s brother? Til Schweiger, the bloodthirsty, Nazi-hating Hugo Stiglitz in “Inglourious Basterds,” is really playing a dad hoping his kid is born at midnight so he wins $25,000 for his family? A trendy record label party features a rock balladeer who performs John Hiatt’s “Have a Little Faith in Me,” hardly the trendy, clubby Pitbull/ Flo Rida/ Black Eyed Peas performance such a gathering would actually provide?

So no, don’t look too closely. And when “New Year’s Eve” pops up on cable next winter, you’ll think hazily that yes, this could be cute, and you’ll watch it again.