Daughter’s choices are disappointing

Dear Annie: I am 55, married for 29 years, and the mother of three children. The problem is our middle child, “Martina,” who is living with a 50-year-old divorced father of two. One of his children is married with kids, so our 24-year-old daughter is living with a grandfather.

Martina lied to us for eight months, and when we found out about the relationship, we were furious and threw her out. The fight was nasty and physical, and the police were involved.

Now my husband wants nothing to do with Martina, and our oldest daughter won’t speak to her sister. Our son doesn’t approve of Martina, but hasn’t cut her off. I have seen Martina a few times since our fight. I have told her that I love her but will never accept the relationship.

Martina wants to come to our house for a visit. My husband says if she comes home, he will leave. But I miss her terribly and don’t want to choose between my husband and my child. When I was young, my parents divorced, and I had to choose which one to invite for birthdays and holidays. It was awful. What can I do? – Torn Mom

Dear Torn: Martina is an adult, and she is not always going to make decisions that you will like. But you must allow her to make her own choices, even when you disagree, and even when there are unpleasant consequences – such as your husband’s refusal to welcome her home.

But also understand that your family’s extreme censure may convince Martina to stay with this man out of sheer stubbornness. Keep meeting with her elsewhere so you can see how she’s doing. She needs to know her family still loves and cares about her.