Push aside ego; attend baptism

Dear Carolyn: We just got an invitation to the baptism of my seventh nephew on my husband’s side. Once again we were not considered as godparents. I feel snubbed.

My husband and I are members of a church of the same denomination as his siblings, but a more liberal synod. In my family, as in my husband’s, naming someone as a godparent is a way to forge a stronger connection between an aunt and uncle (or family friend) and a specific child. I feel like the refusal of my husband’s siblings to regard us as spiritual equals is a way of pushing us further from their kids’ lives.

I have no desire to go to this umpteenth baptism, but that feels like a petty reaction. Is this a legitimate snub? Should I talk to my sister-in-law about it? My husband thinks this is no big deal, and would still like his brother and sister to be the godparents for our future (hypothetical) offspring. – Miffed in the Midwest

Since you regard being a godparent as a way to forge a stronger connection with your nephew, and since you want badly to be his godparent, you’re saying you want badly to forge a stronger connection to your nephew. 1 + 1 = 2.

Boycotting the baptism in a wounded huff would be petty, yes, and that’s the main reason to suck it up and go – but you also need to go because nothing would undermine your own purpose more tidily than staying home.

Your hurt feelings sound real, painful and justified, and exclusion is a big deal, even when it’s inadvertent or not about you, as it may be here. Regardless, your husband’s approach better serves your needs. Patch your ego, open your heart to all seven nephews, and go.

Dear Carolyn: My granddaughter will be having her second birthday soon and my daughter would like me to come to the party. Reasonable request, except it is hard for me emotionally to deal with my ex.

We divorced 15 years ago after I confronted her with evidence of an affair. She confessed to three affairs in a span of five years. I suspect there was also one going on with one of my best friends. Of course there were denials and lies. She ended up marrying that friend about a year after we divorced.

When she asked if I would come to the party, I said I wasn’t in a good place emotionally to attend with my ex/her mom present and asked if we could celebrate her birthday separately.

My daughter was disappointed. She asked: “Does this mean you won’t come to any events?” I told her I would think about the birthday invitation.

Is that an unreasonable request? – Head or heart

Your daughter isn’t inviting you to “pretend nothing happened.” That’s a leap you made to justify not going.

Please instead take the invitation at face value. It’s appropriate that both maternal grandparents be included.

You can realize you’re more capable of complicated emotional transactions than you think, and accept the invitation. If it will help temper your dread and/or pre-empt a scene, arrange to meet your ex-wife and ex-friend for coffee beforehand so you can practice operating in genial-detachment mode. Talk about your kid, your grandkid, the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow, whatever your courage demands.