Her final gift: bridging a cultural divide

Baby Duru, born with a malignant brain tumor, was a few days shy of 1 month old when she died Feb. 16 in her mother’s arms, with her father close by. Her parents, Umut Eroglu and Duygu Toygur Eroglu, are from Turkey. In their country, young parents with dying babies are not encouraged to be with their babies as death approaches. “There is a belief that if you attach too much, you will be sad too much,” mom Duygu said. But Duru’s parents were surrounded during their baby’s short life with people who know otherwise. They gently encouraged the parents to bond with Duru, no matter the number of her days. A photographer from Sacred Heart Children’s Hospital Forget-Me-Not program, Karin Knapp, took hundreds of photos of Duru. Carolyn Ringo, coordinator of the program, helped the parents in ways big and small. Duru’s nurses and doctors fell in love with the baby, too. “They were professional, but they shared their feelings,” dad Umut said. “It was wonderful.” Sarah Bain, who lost a baby girl eight years ago, showed up almost every day, talking about her Grace and the blessings from her brief life. Duru’s parents are in Spokane for a year. Duygu is finishing an MBA at Whitworth University; Umut is a visiting scholar at Washington State University. People from both universities offered much support, too. The parents rarely left their baby’s side after Duru was born Jan. 19. They were awed by her alert eyes, her fighting spirit. She lived longer than expected. She never cried. The afternoon Duru was taken off life support, the parents waited in another room. Their cultural beliefs about dying babies still pulled strong on them. Nurses, including one who came in on her day off, held Duru, as did Bain, and the baby lived many more hours than predicted. During one update to the parents waiting in another room, Bain gently said to Duygu: “She is still alive. Do you want to hold her?” Yes, Duygu said, yes. And so it came to pass that Duru died in her mother’s arms, with her father right there, too. “It was my worst moment, but I am so peaceful now, because I did that,” Duygu says. The young parents will remain in Spokane over the summer to complete their studies, their grief eased by a final gift from Duru. “Our daughter brought us very nice people,” her mother said. “We are grateful to all of them.” - Rebecca Nappi