Share and make holidays inclusive

Dear Carolyn: Thanksgiving is more than a month away, but I already have heartburn. My husband’s sister announced in August (!) that she will host Thanksgiving at her tiny townhouse. SIL is unmarried and has no children, but invited at least nine people, which is probably the greatest number her house can hold.

My problem is that my parents, as well as my sister’s family of five, live nearby. However, I know they will want to have Thanksgiving with my family.

Usually, I would simply invite everyone to my house, which can accommodate a large group. But it seems rude to say I’ll be hosting and we won’t be attending SIL’s dinner.

How do I handle this tactfully? (Separate celebrations on the same day are not logistically possible.) – Already dreading the holidays

Maybe she’s a pill in her own right, but it’s also highly unlikely she hasn’t sensed your contempt. Therefore, you’ll need to shift your damage-control focus from tending to your family’s feelings to tending to your SIL’s.

To start, you need to admit to yourself that you have edged her out of the holiday-hosting business.

Next, take responsibility for what you did to motivate this adaptation, and make a compassionate (as in, not self-interested) effort to make repairs, by admitting to her that you’ve been a marriage-kids-and- big-home snob when it comes to hosting.

Then, suggest that you all work together to schedule things in the most inclusive way.

Inevitably, this will mean you won’t spend every holiday under your family tree – at which point the majority of paired-off people welcome you to their reality, since bringing two extended families to one household means accounting for and balancing the needs of both.