Next step comes after it plays out

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for about a month. We both are clear about how much we like each other, and despite living about an hour apart, we’ve spent a considerable amount of time together and talk on the phone almost daily.

Last night, he told me that before we met he’d met someone else whom he still has feelings for, but who lives in Florida (he lives in Maryland). Also before we met, she planned to come visit him next month. He says he told her he’s dating someone here, but was honest with me that he didn’t know what was going to happen when she came to visit because he does think he likes her.

I’ve gone through the gamut of feelings, from anger to hurt and then to regret. I know I don’t deserve to be treated as anything but someone’s first choice, but I’m torn.

I don’t want to just end things. What is the right next step? – Hurt and confused

No, you don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice, but I think he deserves some forgiveness for not knowing which choice you are yet.

So, here’s a guy apparently being honest and trying to see where it leads, when living an hour away offered him room to lie. I could argue that, in a perverse and painful way, this says he’s a keeper, versus a play-with-your-feelings- type jerk.

He could indeed be a jerk, sure, or chronically indecisive, or some other deal-breaker.

But since you won’t know until this all plays out, your “right next step” is to tell him he can’t be in your future unless she is out of his system. Since his seeing her is your best chance that will happen, you’re saying goodbye and giving him room to decide what he wants.

Then: If he has an epiphany and decides you’re it, he knows where to find you. You can figure out then how you feel about him.