Oversensitivity touchy to discuss

Dear Carolyn: How do you handle oversensitive people? I am about to break up with my girlfriend because I can’t take it anymore. I’ve never had to deal with this before. It’s even affecting her work; she got in a snit because her boss put her name last in an email chain a few times; she decided he hated her, and she acted in a passive-aggressive manner with him.

Trying to gently discuss the issue leads to defensiveness and then a couple of days of moody pouting. I’m ready to bail, but is there any way someone like this can change?. – Anonymous

The best way to handle oversensitive people is to do exactly what you least want to do: Be honest. Walk right through the pouty trip-wire.

For example (calm voice, not angry): “You acted out at work over your place in the address list of an email? This isn’t a rhetorical question, because I genuinely want to know: What did you think you’d accomplish?”

And: “When you respond to my concerns with pouting, I feel annoyed and frustrated. It’s affecting the way I feel about you. It also acts as a deterrent: It’s getting to the point where I’d rather not say anything than risk a three-day funk, and how is that good for either of us?”

Flip side, you can’t keep doing what you’d rather do: tiptoeing, avoiding, editing everything you say, “trying to gently discuss,” dodging. As you’ve seen for yourself, that merely wears you out and props her up – with false assurance at that.

Even breaking up at this point would be a dodge, since you won’t have preceded it by addressing your frustration head-on. If it’s time to break up, then by all means, do it soon – but tell your truth first.

If you aren’t happy with the result, then break up. Explain that the amount of time she spends upset about things – note the quantitative measure, much harder to dispute – affects your quality of life. Say you’re sorry, you’ve appreciated her sweetness and loyalty – and let her suggest you stay friends.