Try to rebuild, not bust, marriage

Dear Carolyn: How do you know it’s time to end a marriage? I’m not at all attracted to my husband, the result, I think, of his preoccupation with work and just an overall lack of physical chemistry.

We’ve never had a good intimate relationship – something we both acknowledge. He says he’s content.

That said, we’ve got two young children, and for the most part, we are great co-parents, manage the household pretty well together, communicate well and have a solid friendship. The idea of spending my life in what feels more like a business relationship than a marriage breaks my heart. Am I crazy to think of leaving? – Anonymous

Crazy, no, of course not. You want passion, something most people want.

You want to fix your mistake, not repeat it. So put aside for a moment your emotional impulse to dismantle your marriage, and weigh the logical case for (re)building it. You say you are good co-parents and friends who communicate well. That’s not a “business relationship,” that’s an emotional one.

Meanwhile, your husband is “content”; that suggests powerful motivation for him to cooperate if you let him know the full truth of your emotional state. Admit you’re lonely, since that’s what you are; admit you’re so discouraged by his glued-to-a-screen absenteeism that you’re terrified of living the rest of your life this way, since that’s what you are.

A constant preoccupation with work is a choice, after all, and if your husband decides he’d rather share a home with you than custody, then he can make a different choice.

He might refuse to budge, and the environment his refusal creates might be detrimental to your kids, and you might need a marriage counselor and ultimately an attorney – but please, for everyone’s sake, take that road only if it’s the last logical choice, not just an emotional one.