Q&A: Today’s Wedding Etiquette

Your wedding, your way, right? Here, Elise Mac Adam, author of “Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone In Between” (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, 2008), provides a few tips for knowing when traditional etiquette matters, and when you have some wiggle room. What are some aspects of the big day that still require following proper etiquette? A general rule of thumb is to consider whether your choice would create reasonable discomfort or unhappiness among your guests; if it appears it would, no matter how much you’d prefer it, opt for the more “traditional” approach. For example, be thoughtful with your guest list. Whether married, domestic partners or in a long-term relationship, you need to invite both halves of a committed couple - they’re a matched set. Similarly, don’t invite some first cousins and not others, or only one aunt. And inviting some kids but not others would encourage ire, so either have no kids or include them all, even the bratty ones you can’t stand. It’s inevitable that there will be people at your wedding who you don’t know very well or even some you don’t much like, but this is an area where it’s important not to be petty. The potential backlash from excluding people isn’t worth it. Also, it’s not a good idea to include registry information or any sort of plea for presents on or in your invitations. It looks like you’re holding a benefit for yourself, where the present comes in exchange for a ticket. When is it more acceptable for couples to do as they please? A lot of things couples think of as “necessary” really aren’t. You don’t have to have a shower or a bachelor/ette party, for example, and you don’t need a bridal party - in fact, if you do have one, take care not to exploit it. There’s also no need to cling to any part of a ceremony that doesn’t appeal to you or fulfill a religious or cultural mandate you’re participating in. And at a seated reception, you don’t have to separate couples from each other the way traditional seating for weddings would have. You certainly can - and you may get livelier conversations as a result - but it isn’t necessary. As long as you take care of people’s feelings, you don’t have to worry so much about formalities. What are some other resources couples can look to for trustworthy etiquette advice? I love the Emily Post Institute for traditional etiquette advice. Their books are very clear, extremely complete and easy to look through for references. I also think no one beats Miss Manners for her sense of humor and perspective, although her books are harder to use because they’re constructed as compilations of her newspaper columns. I also like Carolyn Hax’s relationship advice column in the Washington Post, and Emily Yoffe’s “Dear Prudence” column for Slate.com. These two don’t always talk about weddings or supply answers regarding so-called “traditional” etiquette, but they often get at the very thing traditions want to help.