Relationship’s over, code or not

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend of five years recently gave me the dreaded “I want to see other people” line. Talking to my friends, most agree that it means “I’m already seeing someone else, or have one in mind.”

My experience over the years is that the one accusing the innocent party is usually the one fooling around; you know, the best defense is a good offense.

She has low self-esteem. She always compares herself to other women and sees herself coming up short, and I always had to boost her ego.

So what do your readers think about this whole thing? Is “seeing other people” code for “I already am”? - Michigan

Even if it were some kind of code, it wouldn’t guarantee that she was adhering to it.

I also don’t see why it matters, except as a health issue and a where-to- file-this-experience issue. Even taking her words at face value, you’re looking at a relationship that’s pretty much over.

Formulating theories like yours, and inviting your friends to rally behind them with you, actually fits your “best defense is a good offense” diagnosis quite well. You’re seeing the end of a five-year love, you’re hurting and you’re lashing out.

Don’t. Here’s the narrative I suggest to replace it: You’re just two people who tried to make your unique combination of strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, histories and hopes fit together – and in the end, they didn’t.

There is one generalization here that I do think applies to you in a meaningful way: Once a couple gets into the loop where one half is continually self-flagellating and the other is continually cheerleading, there’s very little chance they’ll develop a healthy relationship. Not unless the one with low self-esteem recognizes that (1) outside validation isn’t going to fill emotional holes; and (2) only hard work will, starting with the admission that s/he has these gaps to reckon with.