Annie’s Mailbox: To see grandson, peace with DIL key

Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law is bipolar and refuses to take anything for it. Now her illness is affecting my relationship with my 9-year-old grandson. My husband and I practically raised my grandson until he was 4. Neither parent wanted much to do with him. We clothed and fed him without a stitch of help. A few years ago, however, the two of them finally noticed how close we were to the boy, and they began bribing him to stay at home by buying him everything under the sun. He still spent weekends with us, but his mother would grill him afterward to find out what we had talked about.

A few weeks ago, she and I talked, and I thought we had a good discussion. We reassured her that all we wanted to know was how our grandson was doing in school. But we discovered that my daughter-in-law was pressuring him to say something negative about us, and eventually, he started telling her all kinds of things that weren’t remotely true. Now they refuse to let him visit at all, saying he doesn’t wish to come. What’s worse is that my daughter-in-law put our entire estrangement on Facebook and called me a few nasty names to boot.

I still would like to be a part of my grandson’s life, but it isn’t allowed. What bothers me most is that my own son won’t stand up for us. Do we just hope they come to their senses some day? – At a Loss

Dear Loss: These estrangements are heartbreaking, not only because the grandparents lose out, but the grandchildren are deprived of a loving relationship. Some states recognize grandparents rights, but not all, which is why we recommend trying to get back in your daughter-in-law’s good graces, whether or not she deserves it. She controls the relationship. The alternative is to lose contact entirely.