No ‘rule’ that guys make first move

Hi, Carolyn: What are your views on whether a man, if he is truly interested, will make a move to ask out a woman? I feel like we are bombarded with ideas and celebrity figures telling us that if a man doesn’t make the first move, he is “just not that into you.” This doesn’t seem to leave room for the inherent fact that every person is different and responds to situations uniquely.

Is this just another tactic to keep women from feeling too powerful, keeping them from stepping up by promoting fear of rejection? Or does this simple idea ring true for the majority of people? – First Move or No Move

Countless traditions and expectations don’t “leave room for the inherent fact that every person is different.” (The rest are the ones that don’t leave room for the inherent fact that all people are equal. But I digress.)

Yes, boys are culturally influenced to understand that it’s incumbent on them to act on their romantic interests, so, yes, a man who hasn’t asked you out often is not interested.

Sometimes, though, he just hasn’t noticed you (yet), or he assumed you were out of his league, or is shy, or etc., so the uniqueness of the people and situation has to prevail over “rules.” Calling it a “tactic” ignores individual differences, too, no?

As for the expectations of girls … I could say girls are too preoccupied by the task of finding one coherent thread out of a snarl of mixed messages to have the wherewithal to ask boys out. But I’d be digressing.

When women do take the initiative, they, just like men, win a few, lose a few, and slip into a few lackluster, I-hate-to-say-no relationships. The women who threaten men with their empowerment will duly scare off such men, sure, but I await news of a downside to that.