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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Division of assets irks breadwinner

Kathy Mitchell

Dear Annie: My wife and I are going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage. We just grew apart. We have four children, ages 12 to 21.

The problem is, my wife feels I do not deserve any of the marital assets because she was the primary breadwinner. She made a nice income, but it also meant she spent a considerable amount of time away from home. She left the responsibility of raising our kids to me. I never had the time to devote to a career because I wanted to be with my children. I also made sure homework was done and dinner was on the table every night.

I was awarded half of all marital assets, and it is causing bitterness. My ex is upset because it means she will have to take out a substantial portion of her 401(k) and a home equity loan. Now she has shared this information with our children and flies into a fit of rage from time to time. My kids don’t care, but my ex told her family and friends that I am taking “her” money, and now they won’t speak to me.

My ex is a good person, and we don’t fight over visitation. She gives me full and complete access to the kids. But how do I get her to feel less angry about the division of assets? She barely speaks to me. The only time she is nice is when we are at the children’s events. Should I accept a lesser percentage so she will be kind to me again? – Soon-To-Be Ex-Husband

Dear Ex: It is not uncommon for the higher-earning spouse to resent giving equal assets to the one who earned less, even though the lesser-earning spouse is generally the one who cares for the house and the children. Society still doesn’t give sufficient value to those contributions. You are under no obligation to take less than the court awarded you, and there is no guarantee that doing so would solve the problem. (Also, alienating friends and family members is a form of manipulation.) But if you feel strongly about it, ask the court to assign a mediator.