Dear Carolyn: How important is it for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the end of our relationship to my ex? I dated this wonderful guy for a few months, and then one day he said via email that he didn’t think we were a good fit, and that was the end. We had one phone conversation that ended up being me asking questions and him getting defensive. I haven’t seen him face-to-face since the day before the breakup.
I have completely opposite thoughts as him, apparently. I thought things were wonderful and I really, really liked him. I think he is wrong and I don’t feel like I ever got a chance to say what I thought.
I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to contact him to clarify what he’d said (though the email language is pretty final) and to find out if he cares what my thoughts are on the subject. Thoughts and help? – Post-Breakup Blues
I’m sorry things didn’t work out as you had hoped, I’m sorry he cut you off abruptly, I’m sorry you didn’t see any signs to prepare you, I’m sorry your last conversation gave you no satisfaction.
And I’m sorry I can’t offer you anything you’re asking of me. I can’t say, “Yes, contact him, share your thoughts” – because he has made clear where he stands on your thoughts by not asking for them.
Hope, meanwhile, does nothing for you. It not only holds you in a place the facts don’t support, but also actively talks you out of accepting what the facts are saying. Fact: He chose not to keep dating you. Fact: He has not taken any steps to reverse this choice. Fact: Breakups don’t have to be fair or logical.
If you believe it improves your chances at healing to “express your thoughts and feelings,” then do – to someone not your ex.
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