Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend won’t take the plunge

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I, turning 30 and 28 soon, have been together for almost five years and living together for four. We have talked about marriage and having a family several times, and it is something we both want. We have gone ring shopping, and he’s even asked my mother for her blessing. He is on board with starting a family once I reach my early 30s and, for religious reasons, I want to be married before having kids.

He has said several times that we will be engaged by x date, and I’ve watched said dates come and go and no proposal (the first of those dates happened almost two years ago). I love him dearly, trust him, know he’s committed to me, and I am so excited about our future, but what is causing him to go back on his word? – With the Boy Who Cried Wolf

Have you asked him?

Carolyn: I have. He doesn’t really have an answer. He has said he doesn’t like feeling pressure from others (family, friends). I have tried my best not to pressure him either. – Wolf again

Break down what you’re actually waiting for. When you include all the details you’ve shared here, here’s what’s really in the package:

• A man seriously lacking in emotional toughness;

• Or who makes empty promises;

• Or who shifts blame to other people when called to account;

• Or who could marry you tomorrow but makes excuses instead;

• Or some combination of these.

Given your dedication to him, you presumably share a life that functions warmly day-to-day. That’s important, and valuable.

But it’s not everything, not when you’re young and healthy and responsible for no one but yourselves and generally on the “before” side of any number of things hitting the fan. On the “after” side, that’s when you’re going to want someone who is emotionally resilient, good for his promises, accountable, self-aware, able to speak a difficult truth, and unflinchingly committed to you.

If you don’t have that, then don’t wait too much longer to switch to Plan B.