Let heart, not ego, guide love for child

Dear Carolyn: My only child is 28 and lives 1,000 miles away. Said child is self-supporting in a challenging field and professes to look up to me personally and professionally.

But this child is so different from me – basically more like my spouse in temperament and approach to life.

I know intellectually this child does not have to be a mirror of me. But I see others with parent/child relationships where so much more is shared and valued – I just don’t see that for myself and it is so painful. How do I get over this? – Disappointed

Love through your heart, not your ego.

Full disclosure, I fundamentally object to the underlying assumption in your letter: that sameness is the sole or even predominant source of “so much … shared and valued.”

And you love (and presumably share with and relate to) the spouse your child resembles – so isn’t there a transitive property at work here? A loves B and B = C so A loves C?

When you look around you, why don’t you also see families with kids who’ve gone their own ways?

It’s hard to accept you won’t have the hoped-for easy rapport with your child. But at a certain point all of us come to this crossroads where a life’s purpose slips beyond our reach, and all of us face the same choice: crumble or adapt.

Kids generally start out wanting to be like their parents. Some succeed and others don’t. Some who don’t succeed realize, hey, I was never like Parent to begin with, so I have to go my own way.

The last group is one of the most courageous going. If that describes your child, then you get some of that credit for not getting in the way.

Now it’s time to get out of your own way. When you want to find things to celebrate, they tend to turn up.