Annie’s Mailbox: Still hurting over Grandma’s death

Dear Annie: I lost my grandmother to suicide when I was 7. The day before Grandma died, she made comments to me about going away where I could not go with her and “going to be with her mother,” who had died. I did not understand what she was saying.

Several weeks after the funeral, I told my mother what my grandmother said to me. For years after, it felt as though my mother blamed me for her mother’s death. I grew up feeling this way.

Two years ago, I overheard my mother tell a friend on the phone that she did, in fact, blame me for my grandmother’s death. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me. I am now in my 30s, and my mother and I have had other issues in the past, but never as hurtful as this. Since my grandmother’s death, I have been in counseling for depression, my own suicide attempts and the unbearable guilt that I feel.

The therapists have told me that Grandma’s death was not my fault, but how can I believe them when my own mother blames me? How do I explain to her that I was only 7 and didn’t understand what Grandma was telling me? I have crying spells and am hurting inside. Please help. – Abandoned

Dear Abandoned: You know your grandmother’s death was not your fault. You understand that at the age of 7, you could not possibly be held responsible for her suicide. Your mother wants to blame you because it is less painful than blaming herself for not noticing how unhappy her mother was. But frankly, there is no reason to blame anyone. The depression you suffer from (and that Grandma apparently suffered from) is likely a form of inherited mental illness. Please discuss this with your counselor, and ask about having your mother come with you. It sounds as though she never fully processed what happened. She could use some help, too.