Carolyn Hax: Your health wins out over his wants

Dear Carolyn: I am a 70-year-old dating a 71-year-old widower. He divorced his first wife for infidelity, and the second marriage was not terribly happy either.

I have been divorced for over 20 years, after an abusive marriage. I was hospitalized twice in mental facilities for depression.

The problem is my boyfriend can’t tolerate hearing anything about my past.

I suspect he has always felt that he didn’t measure up to other men. He seems overly concerned with his appearance and very concerned that he be taller than me.

While he is constantly talking about his past, his travels, his former wives, if I say anything at all about my past, he agonizes with jealousy.

I am wondering if this relationship even has a chance at this point. I don’t want to jeopardize my health and sanity! – E.

He doesn’t sound like a new boyfriend so much as Former Marriage Part 2.

Maybe he doesn’t fit a narrow definition of “abusive,” but he is plainly more invested in controlling you than appreciating you.

But don’t take my word for it: Where would you say your health and sanity fall on your boyfriend’s priority list? Above or below his ego?

It’s sad. It’s especially sad for him, since his preoccupation with appearances – and with your doing exactly as he expects in order to maintain them – dictates priorities that make it impossible for him to love or be loved fully.

Someone with a strong track record of independent good health might withstand second-class status and find other ways to get her needs met, but your history says you need supportive partners, because the only way you can help manage another’s well-being is if your partner helps take care of you in return. We all benefit from mutual caretaking, but some people flat-out need it. No shame, just fact – a key one come mate-choosing time.