Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend dwells on past lover

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating this guy for several months. A couple of months ago he started talking about his first love all the time, date after date.

It has been five and a half years since she cheated on him and moved on with the new guy. I told him it’s obvious he’s still in love with her and not over her. Of course he denied it. He told me he loves me, and maybe he does, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with any guy who is still carrying a torch for an ex. Your thoughts? – M.

Even if there’s no torch, there’s still the problem of his talking in great detail, “date after date,” about someone you don’t know and, I’m guessing, don’t find terribly interesting as a conversation topic.

If he were nattering on about the root systems of deciduous trees, you wouldn’t try to figure out if he’s hung up on tree biology; you’d be saying to yourself, wow, I just had the most boring dinner of my life. Then you’d be having the we-ahem- aren’t-the-greatest-fit conversation.

Why try to make it dry and objective when the emotional component – that he’s clueless, thoughtless or rude enough to dwell on an old girlfriend during dates with you – is the whole point?

So what I’m suggesting is that you skip the whole meaning issue and look at what you have, face value, no tea-leaf reading: date after date after date talking about something that you don’t want to talk about and that ignores you and your interests and contributions.

If you value his companionship enough then by all means, give him a little time to shoo away this ghost. But stick to the plan of replacing charged with neutral, and don’t pursue the you-still-love-her truth. Instead, simply ask to change the subject: “You’re over your ex, I’ll accept that – so can we please talk about something else?” Then see if he’s able to do it.