Carolyn Hax: Mom fights to give away what’s not hers

Dear Carolyn:

My mother gave me her wedding rings when I married my first husband. I wore them until he died, and for some time after. I am now remarried, and the rings are put away. Twice now my mother has offered these rings to other family members who are planning weddings. The first time she did it, I said no. The rings still meant a lot to me. She recently called and asked if I would give them to my niece who announced her engagement. Again, I said no. I guess she thinks the rings are still hers to give.

I may want to give them to my own daughter someday. The problem is it makes me feel bad to keep saying no. I have very few keepsakes from my first husband, who died too soon. Is it wrong to hold on to them? I am a generous person and I am feeling very torn.

– Anonymous

Her request is so bizarre that my brain actually changed your mother into your mother- in-law, as in, your late husband’s mother, and I got as far as formulating an answer to that scenario. That at least made sense, since it’s common for people to want heirlooms to return to the family of origin in the event of divorce or death.

What your mother is doing is just bizarre; you’re as family-of-origin as a person gets. The rings are yours to hold on to for however long you want.

Whyhaven’t you asked your mother why she’s pushing to give away rings she already gave to you?

It might not stop her from calling the next time someone’s cousin’s stepdaughter gets engaged, but it would at least help you understand what she seeks.

This is so obvious I have to allow for the possibility you’ve already either tried it or ruled it out.

If this isn’t your mom’s typical way of operating, consider this possibility: Maybe she wants these rings to serve as symbols of hope instead of loss.

If that sounds right, share with her your plan to give the rings to your daughter someday. With any luck, it ends there.