Carolyn Hax: Two views on pre-deployment marriages

While I’m away, readers give the advice.

On youthful, pre-deployment marriages: Forty-two years ago, I was the bride (20), he was the groom (19) going into the Army during the Vietnam War. Now, two children later, careers later, locations later, education later, (remodeling later!) we are still thriving.

What I remember about our wedding day was the disapproval from our parents. How I wish they could have just trusted us. Even if our marriage had not lasted 42 years, would trust have been so awful? – C.

In late 1965, instead of allowing myself to be drafted, I enlisted in the Navy. At about the same time I met my future spouse at a Christmas party. It was a wild and crazy few months before I had to report to boot camp. I returned in the summer, we got engaged and married in December of 1966. I received orders to Vietnam.

Over the years and decades that followed we had children, my spouse finished college, I changed jobs, we moved a lot, there was debt, I had an affair, I struggled with bouts of depression, I beat cancer and our parents passed on. Now there is retirement. Today we live in an apartment near our children on Social Security and small pensions. We do very little. I am bored. I frequently ponder what would have happened had we planned better, maybe agreed to reacquaint after my discharge. I think we both deprived ourselves of the growth and experience young adults need, then and now.

My advice to young couples in our position would be NOT to marry. It will not provide the hoped-for connection to home. They should focus on a career, college, friends and family, and on fulfilling any military obligation to the maximum, free to select duty stations and schools without having to make the considerations that a marriage would require. Meanwhile, they can still love each other and continue to plan for the future. – Anonymous