Miss Manners: Grandpa should be set straight about his nosy questions

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a wonderful man for 11 months now, and I will soon be going with him to his hometown to meet his family. One of the family members I will meet is his grandpa.

My boyfriend has informed me that Grandpa has a habit of asking extremely personal questions. Particularly, he tends to ask questions about people’s sexual experiences or lack thereof.

From my boyfriend’s description of the situation, it seems that nobody in the family has ever pointed out to his grandpa that these types of questions are not appropriate. Furthermore, it has been explained to me that changing the subject or otherwise trying to avoid addressing the question will not work because Grandpa will continue to ask.

Generally, I would respond with something along the lines of, “I don’t think that is any of your business.” However, since I do not want to start my relationship with my boyfriend’s grandpa off on a bad note, I would like to refrain from directly stating that I find the question to be rude and inappropriate. On the other hand, I refuse to divulge this kind of personal information.

In warning me, my boyfriend told me that I should feel free to respond however I feel is appropriate. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: There seems to be a belief that because you will be visiting your boyfriend’s family – perhaps as a prospective daughter-in-law, perhaps not – that you are the only one being tested. This is incorrect.

Here is a perfect opportunity for your boyfriend to show that while he may be in the habit of tolerating impolite behavior from his relatives toward himself, he will not condone such behavior toward you. Miss Manners suggests you point out to him that you will feel better about making the trip if he will lay the groundwork by having a stern conversation with Grandpa beforehand. If his grandfather persists, you can respond sweetly, “Oh, dear, you know how Evan feels about this.”

You want to develop a strong relationship with his family, and you will not be able to do that if your first act has to be fending off undeserved incivilities.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about dressing innocent babies and children in black outfits?

I just cringe when I see people dressing newborns and small children all in black. I thought that one used to wait until they were at least 18 to dress all in black for special occasions or for funerals.

GENTLE READER: Dressing children as if they were adults is undesirable, whether it be putting small boys in faux black tie or preteen girls in revealing dresses. But black for funerals – or at least dark clothing – does not come under this ban. Miss Manners prefers it to the Victorians’ tendency not only to fail to shield children from funerals, but, in some cases, to feature them.