Is he challenging or manipulative?

Carolyn Hax is away. In her absence, we are offering readers’ favorites from her archive.

Hi, Carolyn:

I’ve never written in before because I’ve always thought myself very self-aware … until now. I emerged from an abusive relationship about two years ago, and have dated some since, but nothing with any real potential.

I recently met someone I’m crazy about, though I’m not sure it’s for the right reasons. He mentally challenges me and pushes me to understand the choices that I’ve made in relationships, which has made me reflect a lot on those questions. But he also seems to push my buttons and test my limits, and this has made me trust myself less and become wary of his intentions. How do I find the line between thought-provoking and manipulative? How do I know if I’m scared because I’m opening up to someone again vs. being drawn into another emotionally abusive relationship?

– L.

Please note the way you framed your question. You’re focused almost entirely on figuring him out, and waiting for an answer before you decide how you feel. You want to “find the line” – in other words, you want some objective, dispassionate standard that tells you whether to stay or go.

There is no such thing, nor should there be; there may be common threads in what people feel, think and experience, but looking solely to those devalues what you are feeling.

So just listen to what your doubts, your fears and even your “crazy”-ness are telling you.

One way to be objective about a person without discounting your feelings is to think of someone not as a person, but as a place.

Specifically: Can you imagine this man as your home? Is he a soft couch and slippers, or cold floors and a treadmill? Is a place that “challenges” and “pushes” the kind of place where you can let your guard down at the end of a difficult day? Is this where you most want to be?