Carolyn Hax: Son not stand-in for entire generation

Dear Carolyn: All of my kids are out of college and on their own. We paid their tuitions, but room and board was on them, so they had some student loans.

My oldest son got married and his wife’s family is helping them out, even though they both have jobs. When her grandmother died, her parents paid off all their student loans. They also handed down a car . He just told me they are all taking a weeklong vacation next Christmas, hosted by his in-laws.

This level of support makes me uncomfortable. What ever happened to adults being adults? I brought this up to my best friend, and she said as long as the parents could afford it, what’s the problem? It stumped me.

I know this isn’t directly my business. But it makes me uncomfortable that my son has so much of his life taken care of by other people when he is 30. Do I need to just accept that this generation’s adults are not really adults?

– Helping Adult Children

One windfall and an entire generation earns your contempt? Wow.

By my count, two of the three financial boosts your son got are one-off opportunities: the student-loan-erasing inheritance and the car. I’m with your friend on these. They could do it, so why not?

While your son is an individual, the fact your kids’ cohort is staggering under education debt unlike any generation prior makes his in-laws look like guardian angels.

As for the trip, I see why you’d balk. Their making a tradition of it would cut you out of Christmases with your son.

But I can also see grown families tend to be scattered, tightly scheduled and financially taxed. One way people counteract these family-dividing forces is to plan and underwrite all-family trips.

So please ask yourself, are your in-laws spoiling this couple, or just making their climb less steep? Does that hurt them? Does it hurt you?

Think hard on the last one. Be glad they’ve welcomed your kid.