Carolyn Hax: Wife wants to move abroad after all

Hi, Carolyn: When I was dating my husband, I told him I wanted the opportunity to work overseas and he adamantly didn’t want to live overseas. It was almost a deal-breaker, but things were going well at work and I loved everything else about him, so I thought I would be OK without this goal of mine. We married three years ago and have a happy marriage.

However, I’ve grown unhappy with my job and enjoy the short stints I do overseas for my work now.

After begging and pleading, I got him to compromise on living in developed countries, but I don’t know if that’s a realistic constraint for the jobs I’m interested in.

I’m considering accepting an overseas position, and asking him to decide whether to come with me or not.

I feel selfish for wanting to pursue my dream – especially after I told him I was OK with not doing it – but now I’m faced with feeling “stuck.” – Marriage-Career Juggler

No laying this on him.

We can all have opinions on his refusal to consider developing countries, but they’re not relevant. He has a right to be exactly who he promised to be.

You’re the one who chose with eyes open to change for him; that doesn’t entitle you to get annoyed that he now won’t change for you.

You made a (mis)calculation a lot of people make: thinking you could prioritize a relationship over your own nature, believing short-term happiness was an accurate guide to long-term prospects.

But as you’re now learning, what feels inconsequential at first can be agony over time.

It is time to admit to yourself and your husband that you cannot happily deliver on your promises, and to stop badgering him to undo this mistake for you.

Either job-hunt in earnest in a developed country, or admit you’re unwilling to compromise and accept the marital consequences.

It’s time to honor either your vows or your nature.